


Nobbits

by A_Winter



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Crack with Plot, Gen, M/M, So not cannon, everything is a lie, i'm not good at crack, possible ship later on... I'm not sure yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-21 07:40:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11352900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Winter/pseuds/A_Winter
Summary: Hobbits (Nobbits) are not what they seem, to the rest of Middle Earth they are sweet and innocent but that is only one of their many lies. Nobbits are a crafty people, compulsive liars, swindlers and thieves.They are certainly sweet and kind with perfect manners, as they pick your pockets.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay this was originally a series of Hillarious random comments with a few friends over drinks. We ended up in absolute stitches and I decided to try and share the idea, be warned that I have NEVER written crack but I still think it's hilarious... even if Plot is finding it's way in... weird.

Bilbo Baggins of Bag End was a perfectly respectable Hobbit which meant he was a more than adequate Nobbit. Strictly speaking there was no such thing as a “Hobbit”, not that anyone really knew that. The problem lay with the Nobbits; a crafty and secretive people who live for fun and games, they compulsively lie to outsiders and play as many pranks as possible. Truth be told they lie to each other as well but they are almost always seen through so there is little point, even their names and those of their clans were all untruths but the lies had long been accepted and no one bothered to use the True Names anymore. Nobbits get great enjoyment out of successfully tricking others, in a place as safe and peaceful as the Shire it makes life one big game. The longer they get away with their lie or trick the more fun they have, it may seem silly but Nobbits are known to go to extreme lengths to pull the wool over the eyes of their neighbours. 

For example, Belladonna and Bungo Baggins had successfully faked their own deaths for over a decade now. The pair were currently travelling around Arthedain on a second Honeymoon, leaving Bilbo to play the grieving child and Head of the Baggins Clan until they decided to return. Bilbo would often look up at their portraits fondly and wonder how long they’d be gone but he knew his parents had tired of the Shire, their blood singing for something more just as his did.   
Nobbits however were not simply crafty fabricators; they were so much more than that as over the years their greatest untruth has come to define them. 

“Hobbits” were a polite, respectable bunch who valued the simple things in life. Nobbit were too, but more than anything they lived for fun and took it where they could. It’s like eating or breathing, they can no more stop their need for fun than their need for air; Tricks are also a Nobbit’s way of showing affection. Nobbits were agile creatures, light of foot, sharp of mind with nimble fingers.   
Nobbits were also frequent thieves; once again a skill used often not for material or financial benefit but for general amusement. The game was simple, how much could one pocket before their host noticed and they were caught. Many Nobbits were content with simple pleasures and pranks, fibbing to outsiders if they saw any was a given but at home they passed their time as any other. 

Simple acts of swiping food from your lover’s plate, faunts and tweens nicking pies and baked goods from unsuspecting windowsills, pocketing a particularly lovely spoon or fork when visiting a relation.   
However, there were some Nobbits who enjoyed pushing the boundaries and seeing just how far they could go and these Nobbits were often of the Took Clan. Bilbo’s own mother was a Took, she had the most graceful fingers Bilbo had ever seen in Action. Bilbo remembered several occasions where, as a young Nobbit, he and his mother would be walking home from the markets. Belladonna would give Bilbo any of their shopping to carry so as to leave her hands unhindered and by the time they reached the familiar green door of Bag End both Belladonna and Bilbo’s arms would be laden with anything that had caught her fancy. This usually consisted of several bouquets of flowers, if not entire bushes, lawn and garden ornaments, rakes, bird houses, letterboxes, 3 wallets, 2 pocket watches, a few animals and even occasionally a faunt whose own Mother wasn’t paying nearly enough attention. Admittedly, as a Took, Belladonna got her excitement from the initial “grab” and the objects she stole often held little to no interest to her after she knew she’d got away with it. As such Bilbo’s mother would put anything she acquired but didn’t want back on the chair outside their Smial for the owner to retrieve in due course. 

In the case of any ‘abducted’ faunts, Belladonna would feed the child and send word to their parents, some Nobbits were glad of the break and used Bilbo’s mother as an unplanned faunt-sitter. Much to his parents’ glee, they’d always wanted a bigger family. 

Bilbo’s father, Bungo, however was a Baggins in the very strict sense. Baggins’s excelled at subtlety and consistency, they were the most cunning of the Nobbits. A Baggins didn’t take something unless they intended to keep it, they would often concoct elaborate plans to retrieve the object of their desire as they usually lacked the Tooks’ swift reflexes. No one was ever able to pin a theft or trick on a Baggins’, they were too careful. They were also the best gamblers and liars as their facial expressions rarely seemed to change. A skill Bungo used not only to orchestrate the ‘deaths’ of he and his wife so that no one, bar their son, knew the truth but also to convince the once commitment resistant and free Belladonna that it had always been her idea that they wed. 

As their child, Bilbo had been trained well by them, he didn’t quite have his father’s poker face or his Mother’s lightness of hand but he was more than adequate by fellow Nobbit standards but he’d also unfortunately inherited his mother’s eye for unusual objects and his father’s tendency to hide away his collections so it was that Bilbo Baggins of Bag End was what some Nobbits would refer to as an Eccentric Hoarder.

That was how he found himself with a Wizard’s pipe stuffed in his pocket as he stole his dinner back, morsel by morsel, from the Dwarf who was currently trying to eat it.


	2. Chapter 2

Bilbo liked the younger Dwarves, the older ones were a bit bothersome with their suspicious nature and sharp eyes but the younger ones were still innocent… to a degree. Ori was off limits, for now at least that much was clear. With two over protective brothers it would take Bilbo a while to get close enough to prank the youngster but the other pair? They were asking for it with their throwing of his dishes and dancing on his table, a part of Bilbo jumped at seeing such mischievous younglings and a chance to test his Nobbity skills. Most of his cousins having grown too old to fall for his tricks anymore. 

Bilbo decided to start small on the journey; he wasn’t exactly sure how long he’d be with these Dwarves so he didn’t want to start too much too soon. Also, these Dwarves were a suspicious lot and he felt that he’d need to take extra precautions to keep them guessing. It would limit his fun if they sent him away or discovered too much. 

So, he started with simple, harmless yet amusing pranks. The first being his name, the idea had come quite suddenly when one of the young Dwarf lads, Kili, had mispronounced his name. Boggins indeed. However, it gave the young Nobbit a grand idea, as the lad was both forgetful and gullible, to change his name every time the lad addressed him by it. Usually in simple ways, the emphasis on the wrong letters or replacing a letter entirely. The older Dwarves paid little attention, thinking Bilbo merely a snob, but young Kili and his brother Fili would become flustered and confused often muttering the correct name to themselves for several minutes to remember it. Bilbo couldn’t help the smile the tugged at his mouth, the low opinion most of the Dwarves held for him seemed to make him even more invisible to them which helped his fun greatly. 

They travelled by the East Road and as they travelled Bilbo learnt more about his new companions… and their belongings. 

Fili and Kili were brothers and the nephews of one Thorin Oakenshield, King of The Broody Corner and Insulter of Burglars. Fili was very proud of his golden, Dwarvish hair with a peculiar love for his precious moustache and a hidden resentment for his younger brother’s increased height. Kili, second youngest of their company, was a joy to be around. He was bright, cheerful and just a little bit dense which made him the perfect target for a bored Nobbit. He was indeed taller than his brother but had less facial hair and clearly a complex about his UnDwarvish looks, he preferred arrows to swords and had a cute little stone his mother gave him as a good luck charm. Bilbo couldn’t help but tease the poor lad by commenting on his facial hair, and how his Hobbit Eyes could clearly see stubble beginning to form. 

Thorin Oakenshield, his majestic Grumpiness, was the leader of their company and highly vocal of his disapproval of their Hobbit. Bilbo didn’t mind that the Dwarf looked down on him or berated him, after all those words were not directed at Bilbo but at the image he’d created for these Dwarves. A perfectly respectable, defenceless and pure Hobbit had no business being on this quest. Thorin knew it and he wanted everyone else to know it, Bilbo used this to his advantage and played his role well. However, Bilbo felt that of all his companions the Line of Durin was as good a place to start as any so one night as they camped the little Nobbit set to work making mischief as only a Nobbit could. 

They were resting in a small clearing off the main road into Chetwood; around Bilbo the Dwarves were snoring loudly, except for Dwalin, the food stealer, who was on watch. It never failed to amaze Bilbo how much noise Dwarves made. Silently Bilbo rose from him bedding and crept up to the young Kili, he was not overly concerned about Dwalin as the Dwarf was intently looking away from camp smoking on his pipe. Bilbo knelt beside the young lad and with swift fingers relieved him of his good luck stone before moving to his brother. Staring down at the golden Fili, Bilbo paused for a moment of indecision; he watched as the brothers reached for each other in their sleep and chuckled. Silent as a ghost Bilbo placed Kili’s stone within Fili’s clothing, snuck to the dying embers of the fire and collected some charcoal and ash which he gently covered Fili’s hair with. Then he left the pair for the night. His next target was Thorin “Bad Temper” Oakenshield. 

Once he was done and his work complete Bilbo snuck up behind Dwalin, he watched the bear of a Dwarf fuss over his knuckle dusters. Bilbo watched them glitter in the moonlight and he felt his fingers itch, he had to have them. Tightening his hands into fists Bilbo forced them into his pockets, took a slight step back and cleared his throat, watching in amusement as the battle Dwarf before him jumped and reached for his axes. Bilbo masked his face into a look of fear and surprise as the Dwarf turned on him, he muttered about taking his turn at watch and waited for the gruff Dwarf to settle into his own bedroll and as his snores joined the chorus around Bilbo his mind stormed with ideas, his fingers playing unconsciously with the coins he’d pocketed moments earlier. The fun was only beginning. 

Eventually Bilbo was relieved of watch duty by Nori, who ended the night unknowingly several coins richer, and Bilbo sank into his bedding with a satisfied smile.


End file.
